青春期是人生中一個(gè)至關(guān)重要的階段，在這一時(shí)期由于孩子生理、心理變化的突然性、多樣性、特殊性，不僅使青少年自己感到茫然不知所措，也常會(huì)讓家長(zhǎng)無所適從、束手無策……

　　近日，青苗國(guó)際雙語學(xué)校順義校區(qū)心理健康專家金晨曦老師，圍繞“平穩(wěn)度過青春期”這一話題，分別從生理發(fā)育、自我意識(shí)、心理斷乳期、人際關(guān)系這四個(gè)方面，與中學(xué)生家長(zhǎng)們一同深入探討了關(guān)于青春期孩子身心變化的諸多問題。

金晨曦

學(xué)習(xí)支持&心理咨詢

心理學(xué)碩士

國(guó)家二級(jí)心理咨詢師，

GPST-IH國(guó)際中級(jí)催眠治療師，

上海中級(jí)學(xué)校心理咨詢師。

從事心理咨詢工作近十年時(shí)間。主要研究方向：兒童心理學(xué)、青少年心理學(xué)、認(rèn)知神經(jīng)科學(xué)、競(jìng)技心理學(xué)。擅長(zhǎng)領(lǐng)域童學(xué)習(xí)問題，親子關(guān)系，家庭教育，青少年心理健康，兒童發(fā)展性咨詢等。

生理發(fā)育：

家長(zhǎng)需要特別注意“生長(zhǎng)痛”和“性發(fā)育”這兩個(gè)比較突出的問題。

　　青春期身體迅速發(fā)育的同時(shí)，可能會(huì)伴隨持續(xù)的“生長(zhǎng)痛”，對(duì)于不敏感的孩子來說，他們可能無法清晰地辨別和表達(dá)這種疼痛，只是籠統(tǒng)地表現(xiàn)為莫名其妙的情緒焦躁，有些平時(shí)愛運(yùn)動(dòng)的孩子還可能突然出現(xiàn)肢體不協(xié)調(diào)、跌倒磕碰等狀況。這種時(shí)候，家長(zhǎng)們不要盲目給孩子補(bǔ)鈣，可以通過局部熱敷、按摩、適當(dāng)運(yùn)動(dòng)等方式轉(zhuǎn)移孩子的注意力，同時(shí)為他們?cè)黾痈哜}食物和新鮮蔬菜水果補(bǔ)充營(yíng)養(yǎng)。

　　青春期性發(fā)育的生理特征，首先會(huì)帶來與自身有關(guān)的性意識(shí)。金老師特別提到，即使在同一個(gè)班級(jí)內(nèi)，每個(gè)孩子的性發(fā)育和性意識(shí)的成熟程度都是不一樣的，這就決定了學(xué)校只能從泛泛的層面為孩子們普及性教育，更根本的應(yīng)該是通過家庭的正確引導(dǎo)，讓孩子樹立“自尊、自愛與自我保護(hù)”的概念，這對(duì)其整個(gè)青少年時(shí)期和成人早期的思想行為有著巨大的影響。

自我意識(shí)：

一場(chǎng)妙趣橫生的“價(jià)值拍賣”

　　青春期是孩子自我意識(shí)的第二個(gè)飛躍期，是世界觀、人生觀、價(jià)值觀逐漸形成并固化的時(shí)期。從這學(xué)期開始，為了幫助孩子們了解自己，金老師在中學(xué)部不同年級(jí)分別進(jìn)行了一場(chǎng)有意思的“價(jià)值拍賣”活動(dòng)。學(xué)生可以用手中的代幣（代表時(shí)間、精力等一切可以付出的努力）來競(jìng)拍自己認(rèn)為生命中最有價(jià)值的東西，比如：親情、友情、愛情、金錢、權(quán)力、快樂、智慧、美貌、健康、美食、自由……

用全部代幣競(jìng)拍“愛情”的男孩

　　在某班級(jí)，一個(gè)男生一次性用光手中全部代幣，在諸多選項(xiàng)中競(jìng)拍“愛情”。這位男孩子在分享選擇背后的想法時(shí)說：“我認(rèn)為愛情是最重要的，因?yàn)樵谖覀兊娜松校改?、朋友、孩子都?huì)漸漸離開，前路很長(zhǎng)，只有身邊的愛人才能和你彼此支撐?！焙髞斫?jīng)過了解我們才知道，這個(gè)孩子的父母關(guān)系非常親密和幸福，正因?yàn)樵跇拥沫h(huán)境中孩子汲取到了充分的溫暖和能量，才會(huì)如此正向理解和向往這樣的關(guān)系。

　　某班級(jí)誰也不要的“親情”

　　在另外一個(gè)班級(jí)，大家爭(zhēng)相競(jìng)拍，“親情”卻始終無人問津。問其原因，有人說：“親情永遠(yuǎn)都在啊，根本不需要浪費(fèi)時(shí)間和精力去爭(zhēng)取?！碑?dāng)然，一方面可以看到這些家庭帶給孩子充分的安全感，但在另一個(gè)方面也需要提醒家長(zhǎng)們，小心被愛著的有恃無恐，肆無忌憚消耗親情。尤其是對(duì)于低年級(jí)的家長(zhǎng)們，不要讓孩子頻繁試探你的底線，家長(zhǎng)保留絕對(duì)權(quán)力，恰是用“界限感”為孩子做出的基本保護(hù)。

　　對(duì)“美貌”的執(zhí)著

　　在競(jìng)拍的過程中，無論在哪個(gè)班級(jí)都可以看到執(zhí)著于“美貌”的孩子，這并不奇怪，因?yàn)榍啻浩趯?duì)外貌的在意程度，大概是人一生中的巔峰時(shí)刻。作為成年人，大概很難理解我兒子為什么要留這種丐幫幫主的頭發(fā)？我女兒為什么要把校服裙子卷的那么短！但是，無論你多么難以接受，如果你粗暴否定和制止，換來的一定是爭(zhēng)執(zhí)和對(duì)立。不如換一種表達(dá)：“你要這樣出去么？嗯……好吧，你去吧?！弊屪约和说揭粋€(gè)提出建議的層面，避免指責(zé)，起碼可以保持溝通途徑的暢通，有效地提醒孩子對(duì)自己的選擇做出反思。

　　總之，在自我意識(shí)日益覺醒的階段，孩子們不僅通過觀察和效仿父母學(xué)著長(zhǎng)大，同時(shí)也在積極探索和表達(dá)真正的自我，面對(duì)個(gè)性鮮明、敏感獨(dú)立的他們，金老師提醒家長(zhǎng)：一方面要注意溝通技巧，給予孩子獨(dú)立的自我探索空間，另一方面也要保留絕對(duì)權(quán)力，讓尊重和保護(hù)不失偏頗！

心理斷乳期：

這是親子雙方都要做好心理準(zhǔn)備

去經(jīng)歷一個(gè)充滿矛盾和焦慮的過程。

　　心理斷乳期是青少年對(duì)父母的關(guān)系從依賴到獨(dú)立的較長(zhǎng)變化過程，具體表現(xiàn)在他們既不愿意直接聽你的，但也無法完全離開你的建議。用“若即若離”來形容家長(zhǎng)此時(shí)的角色定位非常形象，這同時(shí)也對(duì)“度”的把握要求很高。

　　以“小升初擇?！睘槔?，以下三個(gè)選項(xiàng)中，家長(zhǎng)最終給予孩子哪種感受才是最好的呢？

　　A.我聽爸爸媽媽的

　　B.我和爸爸媽媽一起做了這個(gè)決定

　　C.我為自己選擇了這個(gè)學(xué)校

　　當(dāng)然，最好的過程應(yīng)該是B. 孩子和父母一起做了這個(gè)決定，但對(duì)于孩子而言，最好的感受應(yīng)該是C。家長(zhǎng)可以通過分享學(xué)校材料、分析學(xué)校優(yōu)勢(shì)對(duì)孩子進(jìn)行有效引導(dǎo)，但最終，要讓孩子自己說出決定。否則，在未來的中學(xué)生活中，遇到一些障礙和困難，孩子很容易歸因父母：看，當(dāng)初就是你們非逼我上這個(gè)學(xué)校！“心理斷乳期”，父母要積極“斷”，通過給予孩子充分的思考空間、尊重他們思考的過程和結(jié)論，從而達(dá)到培養(yǎng)孩子獨(dú)立人格的目的。

　　另外，必須提醒家長(zhǎng)的是，想要擁有決策權(quán)的他們?nèi)匀贿€只是個(gè)孩子，很多時(shí)候父母要避免用成年人的觀點(diǎn)，把孩子的世界“大事化小、小事化了”。在孩子的世界，雞毛蒜皮可能就是一件天大的事。比如某班一個(gè)女生，因?yàn)楹湍衬猩采蓝蝗苏{(diào)侃“情侶裝”，糾結(jié)憤怒了很久。對(duì)于成年人來說，你要盡量學(xué)會(huì)“共情”——我不僅能理解你現(xiàn)在為什么這么做，我還能理解你此刻的情緒和感受。尊重和接納她的情緒，溝通就不成問題。一句“這有什么可在意的”，會(huì)讓你與孩子的鏈接斷下來?！靶睦頂嗳槠凇?，親子鏈接不能斷！父母給予的強(qiáng)大支持和充分的安全感，才是陪伴他們順利走向獨(dú)立的堅(jiān)實(shí)后盾。

人際關(guān)系：

青春期里最重要的話題——

“同伴關(guān)系”和“早期親密關(guān)系”。

　　作為青春期里組重要的話題，“同伴關(guān)系”和“早期親密關(guān)系”是家長(zhǎng)們非常關(guān)注又常常覺得十分棘手的問題，因此在處理這兩種關(guān)系時(shí)需要特別注意方式方法。

　　對(duì)于青春期的孩子們來說，友誼是他們“心理斷乳期”重要的精神食糧，在與朋友溝通的過程中，能幫助他們更好的認(rèn)識(shí)自己。但是，如果孩子結(jié)交了所謂的“壞朋友”，家長(zhǎng)需要馬上制止嗎？當(dāng)然不是！無論是“同伴關(guān)系”還是“早期親密關(guān)系”，打壓只會(huì)造成強(qiáng)烈反彈，把孩子推向你看不見的更遠(yuǎn)的地方。家長(zhǎng)或許可以與孩子聊聊，問問孩子為什么會(huì)喜歡這段關(guān)系，溝通至少會(huì)幫助你了解孩子的動(dòng)向、有機(jī)會(huì)提示他應(yīng)該做什么、不應(yīng)該做什么……給孩子自我判斷的能力遠(yuǎn)比粗暴隔離更有效。

　　金老師還特意提示，人的情感需求是有限的，青春期孩子如果享受到充足的親情，也許不一定會(huì)需要愛情來彌補(bǔ)。比如在青苗的心理課堂上，有位很棒的女生對(duì)于“愛情”就表達(dá)過這樣一段精彩的觀點(diǎn)，她說：“親情和智慧是我現(xiàn)在認(rèn)為很重要的。愛情于我而言，是在浪費(fèi)時(shí)間。一段長(zhǎng)久而穩(wěn)定的關(guān)系，一定是相互吸引，而不是相互依賴。我只有不斷提升自己，才能遇到一段更好的關(guān)系！”我們了解女孩的家庭非常幸福，父母的陪伴和支持給了她足夠強(qiáng)大的內(nèi)心，懂得追求更好的自己、認(rèn)為自己值得更好的關(guān)系，大概也是每位父母想要給孩子的正確認(rèn)知。

　　結(jié)語

　　總之，青春期雖然是一個(gè)疾風(fēng)驟雨的時(shí)期，但它也是人生中最美麗的時(shí)光，所以家長(zhǎng)們不要當(dāng)它是洪水猛獸，科學(xué)理性地陪伴、引導(dǎo)孩子，一起留下最美好的回憶，您也將是這段回憶中不可或缺的幸福和力量！

　　無論是學(xué)校還是家庭，心理健康教育都是非常重要的組成部分。青苗致力于學(xué)生身心全面健康發(fā)展，青苗順義校區(qū)心理咨詢室面向全校師生家長(zhǎng)開放。如果您在教育心理方面有任何困惑，歡迎發(fā)送郵件至unajin@bibs.com.cn，我們溫柔智慧的金老師或許能幫您找到屬于自己的答案……

　　Puberty is a crucial stage for all the sudden and various physical and psychological changes, which can be confusing to both teenagers and their parents.

　　Last week, Ms. Una Jin, Mental Health Specialist of BIBS Shunyi Campus, has hosted a workshop with the topic of Smooth Puberty from the perspective of physical development, self-awareness, psychological weaning and interpersonal relationship, for our middle school parents.

Una Jin

ES Learning Support & Psychological Counseling

Master of Psychology

National Grade 2 Psychological Counsellor

GPST-IH International Secondary Hypnotherapist

Shanghai Middle School Psychological Counsellor

　　10 years experience in psychological counselling, focusing on Kidology, Juvenile Psychology, Cognitive Neuroscience and Competitive Psychology. Specialized in children's learning problems, parent-child relationship, family education, juvenile mental health and children development counselling.

Physical Development:

growing pains and sexual development

　　Puberty can be accompanied with growing pains caused by rapid physical development. It’s usually inexplicable anxiety for less sensitive children, or limb incoordination for sportive kids. Parents should try hot compress, massage or reasonable sports to distract children’s attention and high calcium food, instead of feeding them with calcium supplements.

　　One of the earliest physiological features of puberty is self-related sex consciousness. Even in a same class, every student can be one a different stage of sexual development and sexual maturity. This requires, in addition to the general sex education at school, proper guidance from family to help the students set up correct concept on self-esteem, self-respect and self-protection, which will remain a key influence throughout the entire puberty and even early adult stage.

Self-awareness:

an interesting common value auction

　　Puberty is the second leap of self-awareness, and the forming and solidification period of children’s view of the world, life and values. Ms. Jin has arranged a special common value auction among several middle school grades to help the students better understand themselves. At the auction, students can bid on the most valuable things in their mind, with the limited tokens in their hands: i.e. family affection, friendship, love, money, power, happiness, wisdom, good look, health, food, freedom……

　　All-in for love

　　A boy chose Love with all his tokens in hand. He believed ‘Love is the most important. In our life, parents, friends, children will leave us sooner or later, and only true love stays.’ Later we found out this boy has very close relationship with his parents. It’s the loving family atmosphere that gave him such warm energy and desire to believe in love.

　　Aborted Family Affection

　　In one of the classes no one bid for Family Affection, and it was because all students believed love from family was natural and nobody thought of spending energy and time to gain it. On one hand this shows the sense of security the students have received from their families. On the other hand, we know love can be easily taken for granted. Parents should retain authority at home and not allow your children to test your bottom line. It is the sense of boundaries that brings basic protection.

　　Never too pretty

　　Students pursuing Good Look is seen in every class, which is not a surprise at all. Puberty is probably the period when look is cared the most. Being an adult, we may find it hard to understand why my son wants a strange hair style, or why my daughter must wear short skirts so short. A rough disapproval will only bring argument and opposition. Sometimes instead of a comment or judgement, a suggestion such as ‘You want go out like this? Hmmm… ok as you wish.’ leads to surprisingly smooth communication with your children and effective reflection.?

　　At the self-awareness awakening stage, teenagers observe and imitate their parents while exploring and expressive their true egos. Ms. Jin reminded the parents to use communication skills with their characteristic and sensitive children, and while maintaining authority, respect and protection, create enough space for them to self-explore.

Mental Weaning:

a conflicting and worrying profess for all

　　Mental weaning is a process where teenagers become more and more independent from their parents. They no longer want to take your orders, yet still rely on your advices. It’s all about proper positioning and reasonable distance.

　　Let’s take selecting middle school for example, and see which option is best received by the children.

　　A.I listened to my parents

　　B.My parents and I made the decision together

　　C.I chose the middle school for myself

　　B seems to be best option for parents, but option C is all teenagers’ favorite. Therefore, parents can do all the investigation, but at last must guide their children to make the decision. Otherwise children will blame their parents whenever they encounter difficulties for making the decision for them. Letting go is the key to mental weaning period. Parents must give space, freedom and respect for their children to think and conclude. This is how independent personality is developed.

　　It is also worth mentioning that parents should avoid ignoring or whittling things down with the view and standards of adults. In a teenager’s world, a tiny thing can matter a lot, i.e. being called a couple for wearing the same shirt with a classmate etc. Parents should keep empathy in mind — I understand why you do this, and I know how you feel. Communication will not be a problem as long as you remember to respect and accept your children’s feelings. A simple ‘why it matters so much’ can disconnect your link with them. Mental weaning is not to cut off family affection. Teenagers need strong support and sense of security from their parents for their independent future.

Interpersonal relationship:

companionship and early stage intimacy

　　Being the most important topics of the seminar, companionship and early stage intimacy always have the most attention from parents, and in the meantime give them the most headache. Skills are needed here.

　　Friendship is the nourishment for teenagers’ mind during mental weaning period. They gain better understanding on themselves by communicating with friends. Should parents step the moment their children make a bad friend? The answer is no. Companionship or early stage intimacy, suppression only leads to resistance and will push your children away to where you cannot see. Parents should try talking to the children and ask them what makes them like the relationship etc., in order to understand their motivation and identify the opportunity to offer suggestions or reminders. Enabling self-judgement is always far more effective than crack-down. Ms. Jin also pointed out that human have limited emotional needs. Teenagers may not demand love to compensate family affection. A girl student once made a brilliant point in her SEL（Social-Emotional Learning ）: at this stage family affection and wisdom are most important to me. A long stable relation requires mutual attraction not interdependency. The only way to find a better relationship is to keep lifting myself. We learnt that this girl is from a very happy and close family. Companion and support from her parents make her strong and confident. She knows how to be a better person, and she believes she deserves better relationship. This should be the correct cognition most parents pursue for their kids.

　　Epilogue

　　Puberty is the most beautiful time of life, although it can be bumpy and difficult at times. Parents’ proper companion and guidance are the most powerful support to make the stage smooth and memorable.

　　SEL（Social-Emotional Learning） is essential both at school and home. BIBS is committed students’ balanced healthy development and wellbeing. If you need any help with your children’s mental health, please contact Ms. Jin from the BIBS Shunyi Mental Health Counselling Office onunajin@bibs.com.cn.